I have got to shut off the inner dialogue in my brain. Some of it is healthy and some of it speaks just plain stupidity.
Such as: Yesterday I ate 4…or 6…. too many cookies…and maybe a cake ball or 3, more than I should have. So this morning I woke up stressed about not getting a workout in, and had convinced myself I had some how gained 20 pounds. I put on my jeans and they fit the same way they did the day before.
“Lies! My jeans must have stretched out overnight to fit around my newly expanded muffin top.”
I decided to pull out the scale. It would speak truth to me.
“Scale, Scale on the floor, tell me, tell me, do I weigh more than before?”
I closed my eyes. I could hear the little dial spin and then stop on a number. I cringed as I opened one eye. I couldn’t look….the number would be terrifying, I just knew it! I glanced quickly down at the number and was shocked to see it was actually LESS than when I weighed myself 3 months prior. Really?
*sigh of relief*
It sounds dumb, this inner dialogue, but for some reason this morning in my bathroom, it felt like reality. To me, it was speaking truths.
The event from this morning made me stop to think: “When else have I listened to my stupid inner dialogue?”
It just so happened that this morning I also received an email from a lady at my church. She takes pictures of baptisms, events, kids, worship, etc. I had asked her about 3 weeks ago if she could send me some pictures of me and the band leading worship. I wanted some pictures for more of a historical perspective: “this is something I did and loved to do.” Something to remember. That kind of thing.
She sent me about 12 pictures all ranging from a Harvest Fest to different weeks of leading worship. Looking at the pictures was kind of a reality check. How I feel playing, singing, worshiping on stage is not actually how I look.
Let me explain. Sunday morning, I pour my heart out into worship. I feel vulnerable, like an open book. I feel everyone can hear every single wrong note, wrong chord, correct chord or note, and see every pimple on my face. That is how I feel leading.
But the deal is, those are my FEELINGS not reality.
Just because I feel like an open book and that everyone can see every fault, it doesn’t mean they are really visible. When I looked at the pictures, I saw what everyone in the congregation sees: A 30-something girl worshiping Jesus. She has a smile on her face and she looks like she loves Jesus and what she’s doing.
Suddenly, now I feel like I have been given a dose of reality. I’ve seen the number on that scale and its no where close to what my perception had deceived me.
Clear my brain, pray, move on! …..and “Let it go!”
Following the path,